What If We All Walked Like Super Models?

Can you imagine it? Nothing would get done...

We all know it from America's Top Model to the Victoria's Secret runway shows. That peculiar, exaggerated hip-swaying, knee lifting, dead-eye-staring, arm swinging, cross- leg-stepping, goose step that just seems to make women look either irresistibly attractive or just plain ridiculous.

If it weren't accepted so deeply into our culture, I'd swear they were throw-back, catch and release, "What the Hell?" creatures from some 1950's 'B' sci-fi movie.

We already have those freakish Stepford children - overly made up and dressed like pageant divas - like those in Little Miss Sunshine; viva to the odd-balls! Those children looked very disturbed doing the catwalk goose step.

I can't imagine much getting done if everyone walked that way. Personally, I'd be laughing my self into tear-driven dehydration.
My god, what would the octogenarians do? Now that would be the greatest show on earth; grandma doing the diva catwalk... All the way to the hospital.

First of all, if most of us walked that way, our next stop would be at the chiropractor with a slipped disk, turned ankle or concussion from the homies who weren't having that sort of behavior in their neighborhood.

Besides, I seem to remember Naomi Campbell falling during a catwalk fashion show and not one person moved to help her up. Rather, photographers took more pictures while she was on her butt than when she was on her feet.

Another thing, I think you have to do 'the walk' in heels. I've never seen it done in flats.

Okay, so you decide to go off diet and want to make a grocery store runway walk, say down Manhattan's 5th avenue; this sort of behavior would not be tolerated in Brooklyn.

But out the door you go, pausing briefly to vogue-pose at the elevator. Down you go and then out to the apartment complex door where you had batter have a doorman, because super models never open doors by themselves.

Can you see it? There'd be a log jam of super models bumping into each other like older 2-D video game villains waiting to get past an obstacle.

Then down the street, stopping traffic and turning heads while others strut by oblivious to anyone else in the world but you, diva! You, Diva, You! While you're just 'workin' it! Workin' it! Workin' it!

Ever notice super models never acknowledge each other?

It makes you wonder what the world would be like if the world were like their world. I know what you're saying; that sort of behavior would hardly be noticed in some parts of California, but that's another story...

Arriving at the store, which of course has motion sensor controlled doors, the next hurdle would present itself.

Super models never push carts and the only bags they carry couldn't fit more than a few nutrition bars. So, to the checkout you go and, OMG, the minimum wage checkout clerk. Of course you give them the blank stare and never speak to, because super models never talk to anyone.

All I can say is I hope they have an Visa implant or a bar code stamped to their narrow butts so they can just walk out and let the scanner read your purchases because all you're gonna get with a super model's diva attitude is supermarket checkout clerk's head wagging, eyebrow raising, neck craning attitude in return.

Now there's a show down worthy of the O.K. Corral; voguing divas face off with 'I'm not paid enough to take your crap and I'm about to kick your butt checkout clerks.

So, back home for you through streets filled with other goose-woddle-stepping divas, stopping briefly to strike pose after pose at crosswalks.

Of course, the most popular intersections for jay-walking are the ones with the traffic violation cameras because the flash lights up the entire intersection, every super model's best side, and they get their full length and head shot pictures in the mail.

And the way they look could only be described in just three words, darling: Fab-u-lous.

Having folks walking around like that in public would either be the scariest scenario ever or this would be a fun and silly time to be living on Earth.

But there's hope for us commoners. This walk is done mostly in fashion shows. Fashions change. Maybe that will go away with too.

There's one comforting indication that goose step is kinda dumb.
Much wiser, older folks don't do it and that's good enough for me.